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I know that doesn't sound like much, but I was absolutely terrified the whole ride there. We got into the gym and I couldn't stop shaking and had to keep taking deep breaths, trying to focus on my boyfriend instead of all the people there.
We got to the first exercise and Nick showed me how to do a squat with the bar bell and all. Really easy to do, yeah? No weight on it, just the bar. Sure, easy!
No. No it isn't. I started crying and shaking really bad. My chest got tight and Nick just grabbed my shoulders and had me focus on him. All the mirrors there, I could see other people working out and everything. I really just wanted to leave and forget about the gym.
Nick helped me calm down and stood behind me while I did the squats so that I could just focus on him and he just kept talking to me. I didn't stop shaking the whole time because I was just nervous.
I know the people there weren't watching me. At least, not any I noticed. But it's in the back of my mind that someone's watching and judging me. That I look stupid and don't belong in the gym. That I just seem awkward and shit.
I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I'm being watched and judged whenever I go outside or to work or anything.
I think maybe I should start taking my medicine again, but I hated how it made me feel. Like, I didn't care about anything. I had no emotions whatsoever and that scared me more than thinking someone was watching me.